just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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