Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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