Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
