i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
