I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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