I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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