i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
