my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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