i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My penis needs a shock collar
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
