I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
