I just pynch a tree in the face
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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