I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
