You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Randomize
