He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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