You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
is this the sara with the beer cane?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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