Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
