ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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