The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
