I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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