May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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