i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize