DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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