"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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