he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
