Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
