oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
