turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
