I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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