Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
