Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
