I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize