Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
