Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
