I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
