This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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