can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
