he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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