me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
