im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
