That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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