its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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