But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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