she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
