so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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