fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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