Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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