Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
