I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
