I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
