you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
