Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
