i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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