Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
