Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
