I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
