An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
