I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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