Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
