I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
